“The tongue has the power of life and death.”
Proverbs 18:21
Just like learning a new language takes time, patience, and practice, building a habit of speaking life into your relationships is a skill that can transform how you connect with others—especially in dating.
When I learned English as a second language, I had three key ingredients: desire, input, and practice. These same three principles apply when learning to communicate in a way that strengthens and nurtures a healthy dating relationship.
When I moved to the U.S. after I graduated from college in Mexico, I realized that even though I understood the language, I wasn’t fluent—I still had to translate my thoughts in my head before speaking. I had a lot of English in my head, but I had not been around people who only spoke English to practice having conversations in real time. In other words, I was listening to English, but I was still thinking in Spanish. The real breakthrough happened when I started thinking in English. That’s when I knew I had become fluent.
The same goes for the way we speak in relationships. If we’ve spent years using our words carelessly—complaining, gossiping, or being passive-aggressive—it will take time to change. But when we immerse ourselves in encouraging, uplifting conversations and practice speaking life into our relationships, it eventually becomes natural.
Words are powerful. The Bible tells us that our words have the ability to build up or tear down (Proverbs 18:21 – “The tongue has the power of life and death.”). In dating, the way we communicate can either strengthen a relationship (Ephesians 4:29 – “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up.”) or create distance, tension, and insecurity (Proverbs 15:1 – “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”). If we want to have healthy, God-honoring relationships, we must become fluent in speaking life (Colossians 4:6 – “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt.”).
Here’s how you can develop this habit in your dating life.
1. Desire – Why Does This Matter?
The first step to learning anything new is truly wanting it. If you don’t see the value in it, you won’t put in the effort. When I was learning English, I had a goal: I wanted to live in the U.S. without limitations on friendships, job opportunities, or experiences. That goal kept me motivated.
Now, my goal is to have strong, life-giving relationships—especially with my husband and children. I want to be someone who encourages, strengthens, and builds up the people around me. I want my words to reflect respect, kindness, and truth. I don’t want to be the kind of person who constantly complains, criticizes, or belittles my partner.
If you want a healthy relationship, you have to make healthy communication a priority.
2. Input – What Are You Feeding Your Mind?
Jesus said in Luke 6:45 that “out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.” What we put into our hearts and minds will ultimately shape the way we communicate.
Think about your sources of input.
- How do the couples in your life talk to each other? Do they use words of respect and kindness, or do they tear each other down?
- What kind of relationships do you see in TV shows, music, and social media? Are they full of sarcasm, drama, and toxicity? Or do they reflect the kind of love and communication you want in your own life?
- What are your own inner thoughts about dating? Do you believe you deserve a kind, healthy relationship? Or do you settle for people who treat you poorly because that’s all you’ve seen?
To change how you communicate in relationships, you have to change what you absorb.
The Bible is filled with wisdom about communication. Read passages like Proverbs, 1 Corinthians 13, and the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7) to rewire how you think about love and relationships. If you fill your mind with God’s truth about love, respect, and communication, it will naturally change how you speak and interact with your significant other.
3. Practice – Applying It to Dating
The best way to learn a language is to immerse yourself in it and start using it—even if you feel awkward at first.
Ask God to help you practice speaking life into your relationships.
- Instead of complaining about what your boyfriend (or potential boyfriend) doesn’t do, appreciate and affirm the good things.
- Instead of using sarcasm to express frustration, be clear and kind.
- Instead of letting insecurity make you jealous or controlling, use words that build trust.
Here are some examples of speaking life in dating relationships:
“I love the way you listen and make me feel heard. It means a lot to me.”
“You work so hard, and I admire that about you.”
“Thank you for always making time for me, even when you’re busy.”
“I trust you, and I appreciate how you respect my boundaries.”
“God has amazing plans for you, and I love seeing you step into them.”
Relationships thrive when both people feel valued, respected, and encouraged. If you wouldn’t want your boyfriend to speak negatively or sarcastically about you, don’t do it to him. If you want a relationship where both of you bring out the best in each other, practice being that kind of person now.
FLAG THIS!
- Healthy relationships require intentional communication. If you want to build a strong, loving connection, your words need to reflect kindness, encouragement, and respect.
- Words reveal the health of a relationship. If your relationship is full of sarcasm, criticism, or complaining, that’s a sign something needs to change. Healthy love builds up, not tears down.
- Your words have the power to shape your relationship. What kind of communication habits are you creating now? Will they help or hurt your future marriage?
HEART CHECK: Reflect and Grow
- Think about your past relationships (or people you’ve dated). If you haven’t dated, think about your friendships. How was communication handled? Did you feel encouraged or torn down? What role did you play in that dynamic?
- What kind of input are you feeding your heart and mind? Are you watching and listening to things that model healthy, uplifting communication, or are you surrounded by negativity?
- How do you speak to the people closest to you? Your dating habits start with how you talk to family, friends, and yourself. What’s one way you can start speaking life today?
- If you were in a relationship today, would your words bring life or cause hurt? What’s one thing you can do to become a better communicator for your future relationship?
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
